Pop Culture to Hurt the Soul

Originally Published, Gonzaga Bulletin, 2009

Lately, the world of pop culture has remained relatively calm. Britney is back on the wagon, Paris has kept the crotch shots to a minimum, Rihanna-beating Chris Brown has been relegated to community service and the Kardashian wedding fervor seems to have subsided to a dull roar. While most sane, productive members of society do not care about these people and their outlandish lives, I can’t help but long for the days when I could fill my extra time with a horrifyingly serious following of this type of celebrity ridiculousness—and I think you do too. Well, take solace, all ye crestfallen and beleaguered masses—rejoice in the return of the worst kinds of celebrity trash culture. These shows and songs are sure to provide a more than ample fix of the sort of pop culture that hurts the soul.

Real Housewives of the O.C.(Bravo): This season, the housewives make a return to the original Real destination. While these women fall somewhere between human and plastic, their devastatingly tacky taste, their nouveau riche mega mansions and their penchant for public mudslinging keep the viewers coming back. This season opens with a return to the inter-season beef between housewife (who is technically not anyone’s wife) Gretchen and older self-professed MILF-wannabe Tamra, centered on nude pictures of Gretchen released earlier this year. It would seem logical that being on this show would be humiliating enough, but the addition of your nude photos released to the public would likely cause any rational being to seriously consider a life as a Carmelite nun. Luckily, none of the housewives feel this way and new episodes air on Bravo Wednesdays at 10. On the scale of one to soul crushing, I rate this show a 7.

Broke and Famous (VH1): This show features two things that are necessities in a hit show: obscure former teen stars and extreme mismanagement of young fame money. The first episode of this show features the downward spiral of Charles in Charge’s Buddy, Willie Aames. Likely, you are asking yourself, “Who is Willie Aames?” Aames has emerged from obscurity and the opening episode follows Willie as he attempts to crawl out from under massive debt, repair a broken relationship with his wife and kids and blah, blah, blah… This show typically airs in reruns around 3am and for good reason. Enjoy this show after a serious night of imbibing.

For the Love of Ray J 2 (VH1): This show is hands-down the best throw-down joke punch line for culture nerds. Many of the reality shows where a G-list celebrity searches for love amongst a bevy of strippers, “professional cheerleaders,” and gold-diggers don’t exactly fall under the category of “progressive” when it comes to gender. FTLORJ2 certainly follows suit, as the opening episode features a scantily clad cattle call of desperate skanks vying for Ray J’s attention. At their opening dinner, the ladies take a moment to step away from their Hypnotiq and cheap vodka to be given nicknames by Ray J himself. While many of the names were fitting, albeit obvious, somehow, I don’t think this is what Confucius meant when he referred to a “rectification of names”. The ladies stood up one by one and received names based on basic characteristics of their lives. The show’s only bilingual woman is re-named “Caliente,” the token Italian girl is “Fettuccine,” and an older woman with a short, frosty haircut is named “MZ Berry” in honor of Halle herself. This show falls somewhere between “genius” and brain-achingly bad.

Justin Bieber, One Time: Finally, a male answer to Miley Cyrus. This Canadian pop pipsqueak makes the pre-pubescent ladies swoon with hits like the grammatically depressing “One Less Lonely Girl,” and the slightly less popular “Favorite Girl.” With such inscrutable titles, great scholars still debate the true meanings of his fine lyricism and cryptic metaphors. As a protégé of Usher, Bieber has exploded onto this scene, showing an adept use of tools like YouTube to propel his music to the farthest reaches of teen pop fans. Bieber’s single, “One Time” features my new favorite contraction “I’ma,” and a frequent use of “shawty,” which never fails to evoke a chuckle. Catch his videos online and have a listen to Justin Bieber before his voice changes.

Kim Zolciak, Tardy For The Party: Real Housewife of Atlanta Kim Zolciak hits (shrieks) a high note (almost) with her much talked about single, “Tardy for the Party.” Watching this cartoonish woman “sing” on live TV and shamelessly promote her single is funny until you realize that she is mother to two young girls. Lyrics like this make me appreciate the fact that my own mother is nothing like this horrible woman: “I'll be feelin' good by nine/After my third glass of wine/On the dance floor lookin' fine/All the boys tryin' to get in line.” Boys? Dear Kim Zolciak, you’re gross. And old. Please act accordingly.