Super Bowl Vs. Puppy Bowl

Bulletin, 2010

Last Sunday I made the epic hajj to the couch to watch the perennial return of the Super Bowl. The day had all the fixings to be great: a three-hour homage to a game predicated on a system of arbitrary and cryptic rules, enough junk food to make me question the power of my digestive system and the sensory overload that is the world of American professional sports. Soon, however, I was torn between hulk-like 300-pound men and adorable puppies. Which would I choose, the Super Bowl or the Puppy Bowl? In true sports fashion, I checked the stats:

The Super Bowl

What It Is: The Super Bowl is the finest display of homoeroticism since the carving of Michelangelo’s David, or, to some, the distillation of seventeen weeks of professional football. The pre-game show, halftime show and after-show cued every washed up celebrity has-been and confetti machine in the greater Miami area. For those who couldn’t care less about football, the ads typically guarantee laughs and, in this year’s case, controversy in the form of Tim Tebow and his mother railing against abortion.

Key Players: This year, fan favorite Peyton Manning and his Indianapolis Colts faced off against the New Orleans Saints and Reggie Bush, who is most famous for his other full-time job as the chief curator of Kim Kardashian’s pronounced gluteus. Additionally, Reggie Bush has remained a popular face of the NFL ever since he emerged from a highly successful college career at USC. Peyton Manning, progeny of football phenom Archie Manning and brother of NFL QB Eli, retains popularity through his dynamic appearances in commercials and his courageous battle against a lifetime of hardship brought on by having a freakishly large forehead.

The Good: The Super Bowl features flair and lots of it. Between the fireworks, the myriad of American flags, the confetti bombs, the celebrity box seats, the upturned Kool-aid coolers and the overwhelming screen graphics, the Super Bowl keeps viewers somewhere between constant entertainment and epileptic seizure. The Super Bowl is an explosion of visual and auditory clutter, just the way we like it.

The Bad: Ever since 2004’s Janet Jackson Nipplegate, the Super Bowl halftime shows have been sterile, boring mash-ups of mid-level country stars, crusty 1970s rockers and unobtrusive Disney music childbots. The halftime show is the dullest part of the multi-hour affair.

Wildcard: The Super Bowl commercials this year featured a motif that never fails to elicit laughs--talking babies. E*Trade, an online stock trading company uses computerized babies to show the ease and profitability of their do-it-yourself brokerage system. While many have heralded the Doritos commercials as the funniest this year, I always find myself laughing awkwardly loudly at a talking baby.

The Puppy Bowl

What It Is: The event follows this equation for success: puppies + puppies + puppies. Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl consists of different kinds of puppies playing with chew toys, gnawing on each other and doing all of the adorable things puppies do. Viewers typically spend the first half of the game squealing at how cute the puppies are, the second half debating which puppy is cutest and the post-game wishing they could play with a puppy.

Key Players: This is not a Jeffersonian world of puppies. Not all puppies are created equal. While I chose my preferred pet (Garbanzo, an adorable cattle dog mix), my roommates quickly chose their favorites including the hideous Sir Winston, the Cavalier King Charles with lopsided eyes. We found ourselves bitterly divided over which puppies had redeeming qualities of cuteness, playfulness and overall charisma, begging the question in our minds; Manning who? According to the advertisement that ran almost constantly, there was online voting to choose the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy). Jake, the Chihuahua/Pug mix nabbed the title this year.

The Good: The draw to a continual loop of playful puppies seems obvious. However, the game also featured a Kitty Halftime Show where kittens played with an elaborate stage full of swishing cat toys, fake furry mice and swirling feathers. It’s the Puppy Bowl… with kittens.

The Bad: Once the hipster appeal of watching puppies play a fake football game wears off, the Puppy Bowl becomes a bit monotonous. One can only watch the Puppy Bowl in stints of a few minutes before switching back to the real game. Also, the ridiculous “refereeing” done by a random man with a striped shirt and whistle required liberal use of the “mute” button. Puppies are cute enough, calling a foul for “unnecessary ruff-ruff-ruffness” tipped the scale from precious to nauseating.

Wildcard: Two words--Hamster. Blimp. When the Puppy Bowl camera switched to aerial perspective, they used a box full of hamsters crawling over miniature blimp controls. The Hamster Blimp is genius. The Hamster Blimp combined with the bunny cheerleaders, puppy players and kitty halftime show made the event an outburst of adorableness.